Why I can’t tell you who, what, why I am or where I was until Lycra Lynda and Steve the Copper say I can

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Unwavering support from the MP for Berwick on Tweed (left, masked) for the rogue Prime Minister: are either of them worth a tick at the ballot box?

1 0   D R O W N I N G   S T R E E T,   L O N D O N  W.1.

A Statement from the Pie Meister

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES? is a question I’ve never been asked in the House of Commons. It is, however, the question most frequently put to me in the Red Lion ever since some sneaky, disappointed domino malcontent told the world that I was in the habit of partying down the pub when I should have been locked up.

I believed I had dealt adequately with the disgraceful insinuation that I and a dozen pals had turned a working meeting into a meaty work-in. As I said at the time, the alleged four-hour lunch for thirteen simply did not happen, and if it did it was well within the guidelines laid down by Milfield parish council.

Furthermore, I can categorically deny that if I did happen to have stumbled into the dining room and allowed someone to push a large glass of Merlot and the menu into my hands then at no time did anyone tell me that I was breaking the luncheon club rules that I had created, although if anyone did (and I’m not saying it happened, remember) then I am sincerely sorry .

By now some of you will have caught sight of the six-paragraph inquiry into the alleged events which did not take place but for which I have apologised (just in case). Unfortunately, the report compiled at Cornhill post office by a woman known to me only as ‘Lycra Lynda’ who occasionally provides cake contains no names, no blame and casts no shame because just before publication Steve the former Milfield copper decided what went on at the Red Lion might well be worth a squint and so the document was declared pub judice until the next meeting of the Domino Club.

Still, the sketchy facts outlined in Lycra Lynda’s updated report require a response, so let’s go, Pelaton!:

  • The Lawnmower Salesman was the last to arrive (fascinatingly, he truly HAD believed it to be a real working meeting and had been delayed while delivering a Qualcast sit-upon to a client in the College Valley). He was not best pleased to have missed his bucket of gin and accompanying belly pork and let me know so in no uncertain terms: “You have sat there too long for all the good you have done!” he fumed (Lawnmower , it must be said, cuts a rather dashing, latter day Cromwellian figure when caught occasionally sober),  “In the name of God, go!” Frankly, he can overdo the melodrama and it took me aback, I can tell you; after all, we were domino partners once.
  • Mistakes have been made and for these I and the landlord must take our share of responsibility. Klondike the gold-digging wind farmer, for instance, was served chips instead of mash with his steak-and-ale pie and Johnny Jeffreys’ controversial switch from Merlot to Shiraz was only accomplished after two false starts. Neither complained.
  • I take full responsibility for any further problems: upon ordering my sea bass. For example, I misunderstood when the waitress asked, “And the vegetables?” which I took to be directed towards my fun-loving farmer friends. “Oh, they’ll probably have the same,” I replied. This might have been an error on my part; it was meant as a joke.Finally, let me deal with some of the things that have been said regarding my character:

“He is a colourful character” LIE! I am strictly 50 Shades of Gray until the last official report allows me to exonerate myself by Eton Decree (expected somewhere around April 1st, 2032).

“He would have partied the night away when his or my granny lay dying” BLATANT LIE! My grannies have been dead for years and only made brief re-appearances when I needed a day off school or when Liverpool FC had a European tie abroad.

TO SUM UP: As the inquiry reports are being made to me I will have the final say on my own future given my roles as judge, jury and (heh-heh!) executioner (not a chance!). Nothing more can be said until the final inquiries by the Milfield bobby have been made; until then I cannot say where, who or even why I was on any given date over the past two years and I look forward to the unswerving support of my Berwick upon Tweed MP Anne-Marie Trevelyan who tweeted from a Front Bench nodding position next to the Prime Minister that his apology (sic) to the House was “needed and heard”.

Wow! Give me support like that and I can rule the world.

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