GREAT NEWS! MY BOWEL is the best-behaved, largely-unmentionable body part in Britain. Bar none!
And fake news! All those Mainstream Media Moaning Minnies who claimed ‘that-which-I-did-NOT-call-my-s****ole’ was harbouring some dirty secret have been proved wrong following @REALtoptobottom medical examination of old Banksy’s bum.
I received word of my successful, biennial lavatory ‘scrape’ sample from the NHS in the post this morning and, following recent doubts expressed by readers concerning not only my sanity but also my sanitary wellbeing, thought I would share my health situation with you all.
Like President Trump, I am a six-footer and my weight [Surely he means ‘waist’? – Ed.] is a steady 239, giving me the perfect presidential ‘melting pear’ shape.
Why is THAT important, you ask? Look here, y’all: some of those lettuce-pickin’ M**icans and H***tians and pretty well everyone from those s****ole African countries have questioned my stability and I can tell you that throughout my life my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart..
Both are SOOO useful when the occasional festive sweet sherry causes me to lose my famed stability and take a fall, only for my bottom-heavy frame to roll me back onto my feet like one of those kiddy blimps you can’t knock down.
My rise from even the toughest tumble shouldn’t surprise anyone although, for the benefit of new readers who have been attracted to this site by my AMAZING good looks and the GREAT word-of-mouth support generated by MILLIONS of fans across the world, I should say that throughout my life my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. And NEVER repeating myself with something I said a few minutes earlier (Ya don’t catch ME, dementia!).
I went from being a VERY successful 16-year-old grammar school leaver with an amazing five ‘O’ Level GCEs to columnist on the Newcastle Journal to editor of the free world’s leading website, Voice of the North (on my first try!), so I think that would qualify as not just smart, but genius. . . and a very stable genius at that!”
My Mainstream Fake Media mates malign me with fake news, of COURSE they do. The neo-con columnist Keith Hann (click here to see his catalogue of crime) and Bernard Trafford, that BBC Carol King (gedditt?) would have you believe that I am on my last legs, kept upright only by a string of appointments at diabetic clinics, check-ups with eye specialists and haematologists and by the soothing words of Gemma, the self-taught child psychologist who has shared my life this last 43 years. Ha! How wrong they are!
According to Vinny the Vet (‘the Punter’s Pal’) who carried out my medical check-up in the weighing-in room at Northumberland trainer Rose Dobbin’s Hazelrigg stables, I was “the finest piece of horseflesh” he had seen that morning.
He says it’s my genes that make me a stable genius. And he should know!
Ain’t THAT great news?