BUCKINGHAM PALACE, THE QUEEN’S CHAMBERS. The Queen, seated, is drinking a mug of Oxo when her flunky opens a large, ornate door
FLUNKY: President Donald Trump, Your Majesty.
(ENTER TRUMP. LOOKS AROUND)
TRUMP: Say! Is this as good as Trump Tower? I think this might be as good as Trump Tower. You got your own monogrammed towels? My bet is you’ve got your own monogrammed towels. One moment (TWEETS:This is as good as Trump Tower!)
QUEEN: Do come in, Mr.Trump.
TRUMP: I’m in. Here I am. In. That’s me. I’m in. No-one’s ever been as in as much as me. That’s the truth. Queenie. Do I call you Queenie? Hey – why not? You can call me The Donald. People call me The Donald. I drain the swamp. I give America back to the Americans. Except for the 20 trillion dollars of it I own, of course. . . AMERICA FIRST! AMERICA FIRST!. . . It’s true. It’s so true. You’ll never know how true that is. Oh, except for you, maybe it’s ‘United Kingdom first’?. Though wait. . .United King-dom. You’re the queen, right ? So it’s United Queen-dom? It’s UQ. Not UK. I got it. Believe me, I got it
(LOOKS AT PAINTING ON WALL)
Henry the Tenth, right? I’d know him anywhere.
QUEEN: That is a painting of my mother.
TRUMP: A dude, right? One moment (TWEETS: They got Henry the Tenth on the wall. THIS dude ain’t no Mexican) A great thing. It’s a great thing. And that gold carriage. I saw you in it, Queenie. Waving and winking and stuff. Same firm as made my gold lift, I guess. Real people. That’s what they are. Real people. You ever torture anyone, Queenie?
QUEEN: Well. . .
TRUMP: It’s no big deal. That’s what I say, no big deal. Someone comes to the USA from Yemen, one of them places, they can expect to get tortured. Plain and simple. Bad people. It’s no big deal. Who can tell me it’s a big deal? Those places? They’re a disgrace. That’s what they are. They’re the biggest disgrace since’. . . since the last biggest disgrace. You ever met Melania?
QUEEN: One suspects not. One. . .
TRUMP: One’d like Melania. I like Melania. Hell, EVERYONE likes Melania. You like my hands? (NO RESPONSE) Small. That’s what people say my hands are. Small. Let I tell you something. My hands aren’t small. It’s those people’s minds are small. Their minds are the smallest thing I’ve ever known. Ever known. A disgrace. (TWEETS: Queenie likes Melania. I can tell she likes Melania. Queenie is no Mexican). Sheesh, Queenie! Suckingham Palace! Things like this make Americans great again. They do. I know they do. That’s where I told them I was going: Suckingham Palace. Me and Queenie. Met the other Limey as well, back in the White House. Your PM? Mother Theresa? Is that the name? That’s the name. Good woman,. No argument. Good woman, Mother Theresa. Pity about the small bazumas. Hell, no-one’s perfect, eh? Not even The Donald. Not all the time, anyway. OK, not true. Not true. He ISperfect. The Donald IS perfect. Period.
QUEE.N: And what of Brexit, Mr Trump?
TRUMP: I ate already thanks, Queenie. Two Weetabix.
QUEEN: One would, perhaps, care for tea?
TRUMP: Great drink. Great drink (TWEETS: Tea with Queenie. Not Merkel. Queenie. No Suckingham Palace in Krautland. None.) You got a wall? I hear you got a wall, Queenie. Up there in Choc-land. Adrian’s Wall? Famous. No doubt about it. Adrian’s Wall is famous. I’ve seen the pictures all over. Online. Pictures of Adrian’s Wall all over online. That’ll be Trump’s Wall, my wall. Pictures all over. Trump’s. Wall. Good sound to it. Good sound. Best sound I’ve ever heard. Keeps out those Mexican child-eaters. Good idea. The best goddam idea ever. Say, why not come to the USA Queenie? Declare Trump’s wall open. Swing a bottle of champagne .Like launching those ships. Good idea. That’s a good idea. All the great Americans are called Donald. Yessir! Trump. Duck. All of them. You have to believe it.
(DOOR THROWN OPEN. ENTER PRINCE PHILIP IN KILT WITH LARGE SHOTGUN WHICH HE FIRES AT TRUMP)
TRUMP: Goddam knew it. He’s an illegal Greek immigrant! (INTO MOBILE) Get me Nigel Farage! That dude IS the ambassador now, right?
PHILIP: Damned Fuzzy-Wuzzies. Used to be the Yellow Peril. Now look at ‘em! The Orange Hordes. Too many of the little devils over here. (FIRES AGAIN)
TRUMP: (FROM BEHIND SOFA) Believe me sir , I uphold your citizen’s right to bear firearms. (ASIDE TO ARRIVING CIA BODYGUARDS) Will somebody KILL this goddam dude!
(A STRUGGLING PRINCE PHILIP IS LED AWAY)
Bad dude. He’s a bad dude (TWEETS: Shut down Suckingham Palace. Nest of terrorists. It’s gotta go. Gotta go. Most disastrous building ever).
QUEEN: One is not even moderately amused. . .