EXCLUSIVE! Our intrepid political correspondent PETER MORTIMER reveals an actual transcript of a Downing Street Brexit meeting. . .
(Present: Theresa May, David Davis, Ian Duncan Smith, Boris Johnson and Michael Gove)
MAY: Very well. Let’s get on with it. (To David Davis) Did you bring the biscuits?
DAVIS: Of course, Prime Minister. I brought bourbons, digestives, gingers and Garibaldis.
MAY: Fine, where are they?
DAVIS: Where are what?
MAY: The biscuits, you fool!
DAVIS: Biscuits? Oh,did I say I brought the biscuits? I meant I didn’t bring the biscuits, of course!
IDS: Well, everybody knows that no biscuits are hetter than just a few biscuits. Just as no food is better than a bit of food and no deal is better than a bad deal.
MAY: Yes, Ian. Now then, Boris, some people are saying that Brexit will never happen.
BORIS: Are they saying that? Gosh! Golly! Oh lor! Well hang on, if that’s the way the wind is blowing, I’ll just dig out (rustle-rustle) that alternative article I wrote for the Daily Telegraph. Ah, here it is! ‘Leaving the EU would be the biggest ever disaster for the British nation’. . .
That’s the one. I’ll get it published tomorrow
MAY: But those people are wrong Boris, they’re wrong. We are leaving the EU and that’s final!
BORIS: Is it? Right. OK. Golly. Here we are then, here’s the other article, the one that was published. I’ll get that in the Telegraph again instead but I’ll rejig it slightly. Someone might actually have read it the first time round.
BORIS: Yes, well, how does this sound for the opening?
(READS) ‘Staying in the EU would be the biggest ever disaster for the British nation…’ That should do it
GOVE: A few words in praise of our Prime Minister from me, for the record: I think people who criticise the Prime Minister for being a dithering fool, a procrastinating idiot and a bewildered and hapless nincompoop who is out of her depth are not totally correct, and I do mean that. Did you minute that, by the way? Can you spell ‘nincompoop’?
MAY: Perhaps we should discuss the Irish border. Does anyone have the slightest idea what we should do about it? (SILENCE). Well, that seems unanimous, at least.
BORIS: My Bullingdon chums say that Johnnie Foreigner deserves to be given a bloody nose and I agree with them. Just like those Indian chappies who got into a funk when I spouted Kipling at them.
DAVIS: Mr. Kipling? So someone did bring cakes after all!
MAY: Pay attention, everyone. Do you realise there are people out there who think we have no idea what we are doing on this whole Brexit thing?
BORIS: Gosh! That must be because of that feller ‘Junket’
DAVIS: Whatever happened to junket? We always got it from matron at my boarding school.
BORIS: Yes, but what about the junket? Eh? Get it? Hhwaaaaah!
MAY: Let us put it to the vote. All in favour? (Every hand is raised) Excellent. Prepare a press release stating that ‘at a fruitful and positive Brexit meeting, all members were in close accord’.
DAVIS: Would you like me to do that, Prime Minister?
MAY: Er, no, perhaps not, David.
IDS: Did you know I used to be known as the Quiet Man?
MAY: Hrrmph! I declare the meeting closed.