Bedroom talk from the President


“Barbed wire used properly can be a beautiful sight”  – Donald Trump


WHEN THE DONALD AWOKE it was to the sight of a trusted aide at his bedside bearing the usual bowl of Coco Pops and a glass of soured banana milkshake.

“Good morning, Mr President,” said the trusted aide before loyally scratching deferentially at the ugly verruca on The Donald’s neck. “If I could just plump the pillows up for you there. . ?” The President wriggled to sit up straight, adjusting his Donald Duck onesy as he did so.

“Plump the Trump, eh?” chuckled the President, and he laughed so much at his own joke that he almost wet the bed.

“Plump the Trump!” he chortled and chortled and chortled, finally gasping tearfully to his trusted aide: “That is one funny joke. That is one of the funniest jokes anyone has told for a long time. No, that is THE funniest joke ANYONE has ever said ANYWHERE! Go get some other people to listen to that joke!”

The trusted aide pressed the bedside buzzer marked Vanity Button and within seconds a dozen people entered the room. The President repeated the joke.

“Plump the Trump!”  The Deferential Dozen all laughed wildly and then, when the laughter began to die down, were speedily dismissed by the trusted aide.

“Did you get me some more beautiful sights like that barbed wire one I mentioned earlier?” asked the President. “I DID like the look of that barbed wire!”

“I did my best Mr President,” said the trusted aide, pulling down a white screen and switching on the projector.

First up was a picture of a mushroom cloud rising into the sky.

“Hmm” murmured the President. “What IS that, exactly?”

“Why, that is Hiroshima, Mr President,” said the trusted aide.

“Whoah! Hiroshima. . ? Is that one of them nasty Nip car manufacturers?” asked Trump.

“No, Mr President,” replied the trusted aide. “That is a picture of a nuclear bomb used properly,”

‘It’s so beautiful’ said the President, ‘I would say that is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. No, it IS the most beautiful sight ANYONE has ever seen, ANYWHERE, any place.’

The trusted aide clicked to the next photo: in it, three white police officers could be seen beating a black man in the street.

“Would say you that is police power being used properly?” asked the President, narrowing his piggy eyes.

The trusted aide, conscious that his next mortgage payment was due, gave a nervous little cough and answered: “I can definitely confirm that it is police power used properly to quell unruly elements  in one of our disruptive southern cities.”

“It’s just beautiful,” cried Donald Trump. ‘That is SO beautiful. Look at the swing of that baton! What’s next?’

The trusted aide clicked again. The next vision was of a coal-fired power station spewing out huge clouds of toxic smoke.

“Now I DO know what THAT is’ said the President. “That’s keeping all those dudes in the Midwest in a job, so it’s just gotta be a beautiful sight! Right?”

“Right, Mr President.”

“Beautiful, just beautiful,” purred the President.

He sucked hismilkshake through a brightly coloured plastic straw. When he reached the glass bottom he made a loud slurping noise as he moved the straw around, sucking up the froth that remained.

“Time to tweet’, he announced happily, The trusted aide brought in the presidential laptop and the President knocked off fifty tweets before finishing his breakfast Coco Pops.

“That should fix the world for today,” he said with a satisfied sigh before turning to his trusted aide. ‘Now, what was it you wanted?’

“It was nothing, Mr President,” said the aide, backing his way deferentially out of the bedroom.

‘Beautiful, just beautiful,” said the President.


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