BANKSY’S WEEK: Trump, COVID victim or conman?… My fun feuds with Ferrari…PM’s Question Time

Ferrari: Tune in to his LBC show and you might get me as a freebie!

A PRIME MINISTER’S SPIN DOCTOR once publicly wished me dead; he may have had a point, but I have never wished the same fate on anyone, not even Donald Trump. And God knows. . .

Anyway, the news that the evil, embarrassing, narcissistic sonofab-b-billionaire president had tested positive for COVID-19 has strained my Christian resolve to the limit. Nonetheless. I don’t wish his death, only his crushing electoral defeat next month.

The conspiracy theories are already doing the rounds: I have it on good authority from figures as disparate as the Deacon’s Daughter, Susan the Luddite and a female neighbour of former Archbishop of York John Sentamu (who has apparently moved to Berwick) that the whole ‘Trump has COVID’ claim is a White House conspiracy designed to paint him as the tragic victim to build a sympathy vote that will sweep him past poll-topping Democrat Joe Biden.

Either that, the three anti-Donald dames insist, or it was designed to enable the world’s most celebrated COVID denier to appear magically ‘cured’, boasting ‘I told you that coronavirus was no worse than flu!’

I have my doubts: his sudden flight from the White House’s own fully-equipped hospital to the famous Walter Reed military medical facility seems to give the lie to conspiracy theories

At any rate, it diverts attention away from the revelation that his tax bill last year amounted to a measly $750, that he paid no tax for several years before that and, coincidentally, he claimed tax relief on $55,000 worth of hairdressers’ bills for his TV appearances in one year.

Aside from the fact that any hairdresser daft (or brave) enough to give the preening peacock a daily combover deserves to be able to charge whatever they want, you only need take one look at the blond bully’s flyaway follicles to see that he was robbed!

In other news . . . my
new morning radio listen

Jealousy! That’s the only way I can explain my reluctance to admit that Nick Ferrari’s weekday three-hour LBC breakfast show is one of my favourite radio destinations these days.

It can’t be his politics: despite our friendship from working together in Fleet Street and over years of partnering him in presenting LBC and Talk Radio programmes, he and I have always maintained sharply differing political views.

And it certainly isn’t the fact that I get to ‘guest’ on his show regularly: I don’t relish the post-dawn calls from his producer with his apologetic early-morning pleasantries followed by ‘Nick just wants your views on this morning’s media bombshell’ or ‘Nick says you’re not scared to talk about Murdoch’ (actually, I am!).

No, it’s his ability to root out both sides of any story that I admire.

He and I went toe-to-toe this week on the new BBC director-general’s threat to ban presenters – even non-BBC staff like Gary Lineker – from spouting their personal views on Twitter. We ended up shouting at one another.

I believe Tim Davie is bowing to Boris’s right-wing anti-media revolution, what with his rumoured plan to appoint the two most right-wing national newspaper figures (Charles Moore and Paul Dacre) to run the BBC and OfCom. I suspect that Nick is as anti-Beeb as Boris, though as a correct radio presenter he is careful to hide personal views.

Whatever, he’s worth the listen; I do so online or through my TV at Freeview 732. Give him  a try.

You never know, you might ‘buy’ Nick and get me, free!


Prime Minister’s
Question Time

When does the ‘judicious forward planning’  so beloved of boastful politicians turn into the ‘panic buying’ my supermarket is taking action to prevent. My toilet roll count is down to 20 eight-packs and I am using my last hundredweight of bread flour. – Ms M Ferrier, Glasgow

Basically, My Dishonourable Friend, only Dominic Cummings or members of my Cabinet can decide what is ‘judicious forward planning’.


I was impressed by your announcement of a radical plan to boost vocational training in order that many people now need to train for new jobs, Prime Minister. Will you lead the way in this bold enterprise? – Keir Hardly-Starmer, Westminster

Sadly, I need to stay at my post during President Trump’s medical emergency, on standby in case I am required to deputise as Leader of the Free World. Seriously. . .


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