The playboy ploughboy is home. . . or IS he?

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From here to Northumberland. . . can’t wait to be home!

Farmer Morebottle is rumoured to be back, virus-free, from his fun, sun and foodie travels

HE OUGHT TO BE HOME BY NOW: Farmer Morebottle’s airmiles should be little more than memories this morning. As his phoney, duty-free Rolex chimed midnight somewhere over the Indian Ocean the foodie farmer’s Cinderella-like transformation should have been complete.

Playboy reverted to ploughboy mid-flight, hopefully without his 747 turning back into a pumpkin and the crew into six white mice at the same time!

Of course, he might not be home at all. . .

Morebottle’s last message from the Coronavirus Memorial Lounge at Sydney Airport betrayed an element of concern: 

“It’s the last leg of a long trip: about to start 36 hours of non-stop travel. Probably won’t see you all for a fortnight, though. If I come in contact with the Woohoo virus on the way they’ll put me in isolation, ‘cos I could finish you old buggers off!”

And Scott the Taxi, standing by for the ‘pick-me-up’ call from Newcastle Airport, was adamant: “If he’s coughing he’s walking!”

Cornhill shop girls were ready for the Big Yin

There was an early morning rush to buy face masks with the newspapers at the Cornhill Shop where even the shop assistants were masked up and ready for the rover’s return. But the main action was at the Red Lion, Milfield, the ‘Wuhan’ of Godzone, where diners at the Friday Club lunch (an emergency sitting was held on Wednesday to reflect the seriousness of the situation) talked of little beyond the preparations to isolate the Big Yin’s return from his gourmet tour of the Far East and Australasia.

The Byreman was taking no chances and “not sharing”

The Byreman was taking no chances, rejecting the flimsy gauze mask common in China for a fully surgical oxygen mask connected to its own portable cylinder. “I’m an old man,” he said, “and I’m not sharing!” Billy the Kid, the sheepish farmer, spoiled the show by turning up with an outlaw’s spotted kerchief covering half his face. Lawnmower (below) misunderstood the whole concept and dressed for a fancy dress party as the Lone Ranger, thus rendering the attempt at medical containment utterly useless but, as usual with Lawnmower, enlivening the whole party atmosphere.

Lawnmower misunderstood the ‘mask’ recommendation. . . stupid boy!

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